【收藏】哈佛大学公开2022年十篇优秀申请文书及专家点评！（下）

文书是美本申请中至关重要的一环，随着2023届申请季开始，同学们陆续进入了主文书的构思和写作阶段。为此，智友留学为大家整理了哈佛大学最新发布的优秀文书及专家点评。

上期，我们带大家欣赏了出色的五篇新生文书（戳这里：【收藏】哈佛大学公开2022年十篇优秀申请文书及专家点评！（上）），今天一起来看看另外五篇吧！

“You should scrub off the top layer of your skin whenever you lose a round,” my debate teammate once advised me.

“That’s not practical,” I replied.

“Neither is your refusal to wear clothes you’ve lost important debate rounds in. Your wardrobe has very little to do with your success.”

Half of me disagrees with him. I still bring three BIC Round Stic pencils with 0.7 lead to every test because my gut tells me this fastidious procedure raises my scores. I’m still convinced that labs receive better grades if written in Calibri. And I still won’t rewear clothes in which I’ve lost crucial rounds.

Yet the other half of me is equally dismissive of my own superstitions. I love logic, never failing to check that steps in a proof lead to a precise conclusion without gaps in reasoning.

Fortunately, I often abandon my penchant for pragmatism to accommodate for my unwarranted superstitions. And since I only feel the need to act logicalcally in selective situations, I am perfectly content with the illogical nature of my other habits:

Raised with my great-grandmother, grandparents, and parents all under one roof, I never lacked a consultant to help me transcribe Korean holiday dates from the lunar calendar onto my schedule. Yet whenever all four generations of my family celebrates with a traditional meal of bulgogi, my untraceable and admittedly nonexistent Italian blood flares in protest; I rebelliously cook myself linguine con le vongole that clashes terribly with my mom’s pungent kimchi.

If I plot a graph of “hours I spend in physical activity” versus “week of the year,” the result looks like an irregular cardiac cycle. The upsurges symbolize my battles with colossal walls of water in hopes of catching a smooth surf back to Mission Bay shore. The ensuing period of rest mirrors the hours I spend researching in that one spot in my debate team’s war room that isn’t covered in papers (yet), or at the piano sight-reading the newest Adele song. Then the diastolic tranquility is interrupted by the weekends when I’m sprinting through trenches to avoid paintballs swarming above my favorite arena at Paintball USA.

I find comfort in the familiar. I treasure the regular midnight chats with my brother as we indulge in batter while baking cupcakes for a friend’s birthday, keeping our voices hushed to avoid waking our mom and facing her “salmonella is in your near future” lecture. Yet, some of my fondest memories involve talking to people with whom I share nothing in common. Whether my conversations are about the Qatari coach’s research on Kuwait’s female voting patterns, or about the infinite differences between the “common app” and the Oxford interviewing process, or even about my friend’s Swedish school’s peculiar policy of mandating uniforms only on Wednesdays, I love comparing cultures with debaters from different countries.

My behavior is unpredictable. Yet it’s predictably unpredictable. Sure, I’ll never eat a Korean dinner like one might expect. But I’ll always be cooking linguine the moment I catch a whiff of kimchi.

通常情况下，最成功的文书往往讲述的是“接地气”的话题。我的学生写过不少平凡的话题，例如：打扫卫生、启动洗碗机、削橡皮、寻找一块浮木，以及照顾不止一只柴犬。因此，我很享受阅读这篇文书。Choi选择了一个常常被他人忽略的话题——迷信，并成功地将它作为一个聚焦镜头，探索自己生活中的不同部分。

通过描述生活中看似不关联的事件，Choi展示了她的自省能力，同时让读者对她的个人形象有了更丰富的认识。Choi并不是一个没有特点的成功者。她的迷信，以及她在逻辑和迷信之间的反复挣扎，都使她极具吸引力，让人们情不自禁地喜欢她。正如我经常提醒我的学生：古怪就是酷。

Choi在文书开头引用了一段对话，瞬间吸引了读者的注意力。一想到要“擦掉自己的一层皮肤”，人们可能会感到畏惧，这是可以理解的。那么，接下来会发生什么呢？开头的对话促使读者继续阅读下去。

在文书的前半部分，我们看到善于辩论是她的性格特征之一。在下文中，她巧妙地将自己的迷信与生活中其他重要的部分联系起来，包括她的文化积淀、家庭、冲浪运动、音乐、彩弹射击、烧烤活动、与陌生人的对话，以及对世界各地不同文化的观察。这些联系让读者了解到，为什么Choi会成为一个极具好奇心、古怪的人。她富有创意，会采取不同方法解决问题：她将韩国和意大利美食结合起来（光是想象一下混杂的口味就令人舌尖颤抖）；在钢琴上演奏流行音乐（可能是用与莫扎特或贝多芬截然不同的演奏方式）。

如果一定要提供改进建议，就是我在读完这篇文书后想了解更多。也许她可以从目前的内容稍微扩展一下：她从这个不寻常的过程中学到了什么？这些经历是如何影响她看待世界的方式并影响她的行动的？她在哪些方面应用了这种学习方式？

综上，在这篇文书中，Choi做了许多其他学生的文书中没有做到的事：她采取了一种独特的方法，用一个朴实的话题作为“线”，将她生活的各个部分串联起来。

Several years ago, my mother told me I listen to “white people music.” And I suppose that’s true—rock 'n' roll tends to spring from the middle-class basements of young, white men. Though I did point out that its origins trace back to jazz musicians of the Harlem Renaissance. Also that one of the greatest guitarists of all time—dear Mr.Hendrix; may he rest in peace—was black.

My devotion to punk rock began in seventh grade, when Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” came up on my iTunes shuffle. I started to look into their other releases, eventually immersing myself into the complete punk discography. My mother, having grown up
in a racially segregated New York, was more likely to listen to Stevie Wonder than Stevie Nicks.

But, she must have figured, to each her own. So while my compatriots indulged in the music of Taylor Swift, One Direction, and Lady
Gaga, my tacky Hot Topic headphones blasted Green Day, Ramones, and The Clash. My young adolescent ears drank in the raw, chaotic beauty, an echo of the pain of the past. The thrashing, pulsating vitality of the instruments painted a picture, connecting me to the disillusioned kids who launched an epic movement of liberation some 40 years ago.

Punkers question authority. Aggressively contrarian, they advocate for the other side—the side that seemed smothered silent during the post-Vietnam era. They rejected the established norms. They spoke out and weren’t afraid.

I had always felt different from my peers. In my girls’s prep school, the goal was to be blond and good at soccer. I was neither, which automatically deemed me “uncool”. I had a few close friends but never felt like I was part of a whole.

Then came the punk philosophy, for the outliers, for those who were different. That was something I could be part of.

Instead of trying to conform to my peers, I adopted an anti-conformist attitude. Much like the prematurely gray anti-hero of my favorite book, I sneered at all the “phonies” around me. I resented anything popular. Uggs? Wouldn’t buy them. Yoga pants? Never. Starbucks?Well, I could make a few concessions.

But I felt more cynical than liberated. I wasted so much energy on being different than I lost track of what actually made me happy. I insisted I didn’t care what people thought of me, which was true. Yet if I based my actions almost solely on their behavior, how could I deny their influence?

Luckily, as I transitioned from a private school to a brand new public high school, I got to clean the slate. I bought yoga pants and found they were comfortable. I listened to a wide variety of music, even the eh kind that wasn’t 100% hardcore punk. And I was happier.

I revised my punk philosophy: Do as you like—whether it fits into the “system” or not.

The Beatles’s “Revolution” lyrics sum it up well:

You tell me it’s the institution

Well, you know

You’d better free your mind instead.

What I think Lennon was getting at is questioning everything does not entail opposing everything. Defiance for the sake of defiance is unproductive at best, destructive at worst. I believe in life’s greater Truths, like Love and Justice. These Truths are what should govern my actions—not what’s popular and what isn’t. Striving to act on these ideals has helped me stay true to myself, regardless of what’s considered “conformist."

Perhaps I’ve failed the punk movement. We’ll have to wait and see. In the meantime, I’ll do what makes me happy and change what doesn’t. I’ll wear Doc Martens instead of Uggs; I’ll partake in a grande pumpkin spice latte; I’ll watch Gossip Girl; I’ll blare my favorite guitar solo over the speakers in my room.

And that’s as punk as it gets.

读到尖锐的标题和言辞激烈的开头后，我立刻被这篇文书所吸引。我和许多同事从小就是学校荣誉课程中极少数有色人种，一直被告知自己在喜欢“白人的东西”。

当你在文书里讲述自己特别的个人经历时，它可以使有相似经历的读者产生情感共鸣，同时也会吸引经历截然不同的人。

这名学生对母亲言论的回复，对朋克摇滚的起源和政治背景的了解程度，都表明她不仅仅是一名朋克音乐的粉丝。她的好奇心促使她研究和学习朋克音乐的历史根源，并自信地就朋克音乐的起源和受众，提出了一个对立的观点。

我喜欢的部分是：学生对朋克摇滚的兴趣从爱好发展成激情，最终形成一种身份认同。文书不应只说明个人成长经历的开始和结束，也要展示其中复杂的过程。

该学生生动、简洁地描述了她在学校的经历。尽管她在学校并不合群，但并没有诋毁其他同学。当描写自己对“享受星巴克”让步时，她还运用了幽默和文字技巧。

这篇文书的转折点在于，作者开始对自己的坚持表示质疑：不追随主流文化是否真的能让自己开心，这也体现了作者更深层次的自我反省和个人成长。

在文书中使用引语和歌词可能会使读者转移注意力，但这位学生有效地利用歌词作为出发点，展开了深入的思考。文书的结论很有说服力，它让我们看到一个人接纳自己的方方面面，而不是固执地坚持自己的与众不同。

这篇文书以自信、充满活力的声音收尾，掷地有声，结尾的句子正如演出结束时一个华丽的“扔麦”。如果你想分享自己的激情如何促进个人成长、努力融入环境、逐步认识自我或确立价值观，这篇文书将是一个很好的例子。

Finally, I had found a volunteer opportunity at the Long Marine Lab, a marine biology research facility at UC Santa Cruz! I envisioned swimming with dolphins, or perhaps studying behavioral patterns of decorator crabs. But when I discovered the nature of my work on the first day of volunteering, my excitement turned to disappointment: I’d be picking through albatross boluses, the indigestible materials they cough up before going to sea. Sure enough, after three hours of separating fishing line from brown muck, I began to dread what I was in for. At that point, I had no clue of just how interesting the opportunity would turn out to be, and it would remind me of how easily I become engrossed and fascinated by all sorts of random stuff.

It didn’t take long for my boredom with the boluses to shift toward curiosity. In the first place, the project itself was fascinating. The idea was to research the behavior and diet of albatrosses at sea. These birds can fly for months without touching land! When the birds have chicks, they cough up whatever they’ve eaten at sea to feed their young. When the chicks become old enough to fly, they cough up the hard, indigestible materials left in their stomachs. These boluses contain squid beaks that can reveal the types of squid eaten and the area where the squid were caught. We volunteers would pick through the boluses, separating out anything that looked interesting.

As I got better at dissecting these blobs, I started finding crazy stuff, and my colleagues and I would often discuss important findings. There was, of course, the search for the biggest squid beak, and the fish eyes were always interesting. But most shocking was the plastic. Beyond the normal Styrofoam and fishing line were plastic bottle caps, lighters, even toothbrushes. Occasionally, Asian writing revealed distant origins. Once, I picked through a bolus permeated with orange goo, eventually to discover the round mouthpiece of a balloon. The origins of these artifacts were sad, but also fascinating. I learned of the Texas-sized trash heap in the middle of the Pacific, the effects of which I was witnessing firsthand. I gained a heightened awareness of the damage inflicted on the oceans by humans, and their far-reaching impacts. Perhaps most importantly, I realized that even the most tedious things can blow my mind.

If dissecting boluses can be so interesting, imagine the things I’ve yet to discover! I play piano and can see myself dedicating my life to the instrument, but I can’t bear to think of everything else I’d have to miss. I’d love to study albatrosses, but also particle physics or history, and preferably all three. At this point in my life, I can’t imagine picking just one area. At the same time, though, I love studying subjects in depth. I tend to get overwhelmed by my options, since I can’t possibly choose them all. But at least I know I’ll never be bored in life: there are just too many subjects to learn about, books to read, pieces to play, albatrosses to save, and boluses to dissect.

Lisa通过她富有创意的描述性文字，成功地激发了读者的真实情感。这篇文书之所以能脱颖而出，是因为它描述生动的意象、传达作者发自内心的感受和有益的内省。

Lisa的寓言使我立刻联想到一只被关在封闭笼子的鸟。笼子象征着我们在生活中所面对的一切，以及我们的恐惧。Lisa的第一次芭蕾舞独奏非常精彩，就在某一刻，她抛开恐惧（打开笼子），并通过认真的自我反省，选择拥抱未来的挑战（勇往直前）。

在1-3段中，Lisa美丽丰富的语言和形象的描述瞬间吸引了我们。她讲述自己因压力，对失败、家庭和公众舆论的恐惧而动弹不得。我感同身受，并且想了解更多。她那温暖的幽默闪耀着完美的光芒：她想要放空大脑，并提醒自己不要摔倒，以免被她的母亲或家人责骂。Lisa将她“可爱的老师”看作她的后备力量、舒适区和支持者，这是许多人可以感受到的。她的焦虑是相对的，她用这一点解释她厌恶风险的本性。

在4-5段中，Lisa的单人表演生动地描述了她起舞和转变的契机——恐惧变成了激情和兴奋。她在转动的那瞬间充满诗意，微笑，摆脱了恐惧，像一杯温暖的牛奶一样拥抱风险。“安全总比后悔好吗？” 这是一个尖锐的问题。通过反省，Lisa表达了她追求挑战的愿望，因为这将使她进步。她也知道自己并不会总是成功，但“勇敢是值得的”。

Lisa最后列举了自己担任领导角色的具体活动，并表达她将在学校里继续参加的意向。招生官十分乐于看到渴望走出舒适区，并愿意在校园里继续挑战自己的学生。如果要使这篇文章更有说服力，Lisa可以更具体地强调她在大学将如何解决新障碍带来的恐惧，并将其与芭蕾舞中学到的经验联系起来。

这篇文书非常出色，它采用独特的叙事形式，写得充满活力、有趣、深刻和紧扣主题。Lisa的个人品质贯穿整篇文书，即创造力、决心、克服障碍、自我反省、在风险中成长，当然还有激情！在动力方面，她给我们上了一课：摆脱负面情绪，激流勇进——“playing it dangerous”。

Ref：

https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-2022/