智友顾问近3年文书精彩段落赏析
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写在前面
敢于主动公开文书的中介,除了智友,你可能找不到第二家了。
“智友留学由一群业内从业经历最顶尖、最丰富的留学顾问组成。”—这是我们在官网首页最显眼的位置,打的公司slogan。有资深广告人痛批我们的slogan毫无新意,“哪家中介会说自己的老师经验不丰富?”但小智毅然决然的拒绝更换,因为相对于各种花式噱头,顾问团队的实力,才是智友留学安身立命的根本。而这并不是说说而已。“智友”是个年轻的品牌,但背后的团队成员却都是个个老成。下面,小智带大家一起来赏析近3年来,智友背后的顾问团队老师们,创作出的一篇篇佳作。相信你认真读完后,会对智友的老师们刮目相看。
Example 1
Harvard公共卫生录取
Right now, I am brave enough to say, I have depression, but I am proud of my life. I graduated in advance from UCSD; I earned several As in graduate level organic chemistry courses; I had outstanding performance in research and volunteer activities. I smiled a lot every day and I developed the habit of regular check-up with my psychologist. It is not easy to deal with depression, but it is not impossible. I am proud of what I strived for myself. Even I know I am a small individual and has limited ability, I would like to try and devote all of my passion to this field. I can feel what you have been through and I am right now standing here talking about my experiences calmly, and I think you also can.
我自己就是抑郁症患者,但是我敢于表达出来,这是很多抑郁症病人所不敢面对的,这是亮点一;我说了我有抑郁症,但是我并不是悲观的态度,相反,病情并没有阻碍我狂拿A、提早毕业、进顶级研究所,我完胜病魔!这是亮点二;我不仅自己可以做到,我的亲身经历使我相信大家都可以做到,我不是站在你对面说教,我理解你,我就站在你身旁,和你一起扛!这是亮点三。多么完美的公共卫生PS。
Example 2
JHU医学院录取
My father has long been suffering from Chronic Gastritis, and each time I accompanied him to take the gastroscopy, I couldn’t help crying when seeing how painful he was from his exaggerated facial expression and body language. My heart melted with pity for my poor father, “why abominable diseases intrude people’s life? Why our happy life being interrupted? Why we can’t radically defeat them?”
文书不仅要讲专业,更要讲情怀。相比大把赚钞票,为了治好父亲的胃病而研究幽门螺杆菌不就是情怀的体现吗?说起来容易做起来难,真想写的真,要讲究技巧。上面这段有几个技巧。1.带父亲做胃镜有画面感;2.三个why排比,语势强烈,很容易引导读者的情绪。这样的文章首段,还愁教授不会有兴趣继续往下看吗?
Example 3
UCLA机械工程录取
After graduation, I will embark on my long coveted automobile career, and Tesla Motors is my first ideal destination because of its well-known automatically-controlled automobile research. After about five years’ experience accumulation and expertise refinement, I hope to come back to China and dedicate my whole professional life to the development of Chinese automobile industry. Metropolises in China are suffering from excessive vehicle saturation and a nearly standstill traffic condition. For many times I’m wondering if I can make my due contribution to the settlement of this problem from vehicle itself. With sufficient localization, a car intelligent enough to choose the most efficient paths and reduce or completely avoid collisions might be a solution. In addition, traditional vehicle deprives the rights of the disabled, the old, and the unskilled ones to enjoy the fun of driving and the convenience it brings, while self-driving car might give them justice.
好文书和差文书的差距在哪?差文书也会说我将来想做自动驾驶,也会说我理想的雇主是特斯拉,也会说我要为汽车行业的革命做贡献。但差文书说不出来的是他/她的事业能够为社会进步带来什么样的具体的帮助。“辅助缓解交通拥堵”、“让高龄人群享受出行便利”等等这些点,都是好文书的特质。提炼一句,好文书行文要简洁,想法要具体,这就是学校再三强调的concise but specific的确切含义。
Example 4
CMU计算生物学录取
Starting from the beginning of 2016, I was hired by the Scripps Research Institute to deeply study dynein dynactin complex in Lander’s Lab. Dynien-dynaction complex has been studied for decades functionally, but it is studied structurally just recently thanks to the emergence of cryo-Electron microscope. Elucidating the structural organization of the subunits of the dynien-dynaction complex will help us understand how it is regulated to achieve progressive movement of cellular cargoes along the microtubules, and the goal of our research is exactly to structurally characterize the three dimensional architecture of the dynein-dynactin complex bound to microtubules using a combination of ultrastructural techniques including cry-electron tomography and subtomogram averaging. My major responsibility in the team was to use Etomo program to process and reconstruct the dynein dynactin complex from the raw data collected by electron microscope. Through a series of operations like extraction, subtomogram averaging, and docking, we finally obtained the 3D structure of the protein with better resolution. In this working process, I gained the opportunities to learn python programing language, EMAN and multivariate statistical analysis. I finally became expert in dealing with IMOD and Chimera (UCSF) programs.
教科书式的核心经历描述(实习和科研都适用)。除了交代清楚这段经历本身的意义和目的外,一定要突出自己和这段经历的关联。1.你在其中的role; 2.你对项目推进的贡献; 反过来 3.这段经历给你带来的提高。切记千万不要大篇幅写详细的步骤,step1, step2, step3你是如何操作的这项实验,毫无意义。
Example 5
CMU计算机录取
I once read a thought-provoking story in the book Dreaming in Code. A battery of gifted computer scientists fought like monsters trapped in the mire of developing seemingly simple software, Chandler. The more they struggled, the deeper they fell in. Rather than the story itself, I am more interested in the methods and concepts mentioned. I concluded the four big questions attracted me in the story: Is open source spirit really helpful? How much will better back-end algorithms improve overall work efficiency? Why collaboration and presentation help products stand out? And what exactly is extreme programming?
从专业相关书籍中提炼问题,然后下文围绕这些问题讲自己的经历,谈自己的想法。这种套路写好了简直是通杀所有大牛校。当然这样的思路难度很大。要求申请人本身对专业理解较深,而且学术涉猎广泛,有自己的见解和观点,具备深度思考的能力。
Example 6
UChicago民族音乐学博士录取
Statement of Purpose
—— Ethnomusicology, my way of approaching the world and sharing my story
“Music is more than an object of study: it is a way of perceiving the world. A tool of understanding.”– Attali, Noise: The Political Economy of Music
My affection for music carries me on whenever I'm going crazy balancing research papers, fieldworks, academic conferences, teaching and performing activities at the Chinese University of Hong Kong. It is exactly through those experiences that I realize the meanings of music, as Christopher Small suggests, lie not in objects, not in musical works, but in actions, in what people do. Such perceptions not only assist me understanding one’s behaviors and interpreting one’s culture through ethnomusicological studies, but also make me aware of the significance of training.
不用小智我赘言,读完这段,有没有觉得逼格很高?这种风格非常适用于文科类专业申请文书。
Example 7
MIT金融录取
Having studied finance for four years and worked full-time as a loan officer for more than half a year, I realize that the development of small and medium sized enterprises (SMEs) are greatly constrained.
During my internship in the fixed-income department of China Everbright Securities, I first realized that numerous SMEs were experiencing financing constraints. Because of this experience, I continued to focus on this issue in my undergraduate thesis and I analyzed in depth to what extent the venture capital could help SMEs. Based on actual cases and empirical data analysis, I discovered that only a small portion of SMEs—usually high-tech enterprises—could be backed by venture-capital funds; however, these SMEs’ business performances did not improve significantly with the support from venture capital, which was totally contrary to expectations and hypotheses.
从细节入手,是写作成功文书的一大奥妙。有很多学生变着法的向教授表达志向,说自己有多热爱金融专业,从小在金融世家,七大姑八大姨天天谈ipo,炒股,耳濡目染,深深的爱上了金融。小智想说:俗!太俗!俗不可耐!!这篇文书小智从学生做中小企业贷款时发现在中国,即便很优质的中小企业也难以从银行获得融资的金融现实问题入手,谈学生对金融本质的理解和看法,以及将来想要为解决中小企业贷款难的问题贡献自己一份力量的具体方法和设想。如此成熟,教授岂能不爱?
Example 8
Columbia运筹学录取
With a crystal-clear goal of heading to Wall Street bulge bracket after graduation, my school list “portfolio” was created with the basis of taking “whether or not the school is an investment bank target school” as a primary factor, and definitely Columbia University is my top choice. Frankly speaking, if admitted by the MS in Operations Research program in Columbia University, I would withdraw all the other programs’ applications because Columbia is my dream school. I prefer Columbia University than any others for the following reasons. Firstly…Secondly…blabla
这里有几个点小智想说一下。第一,学生申请运筹学,运筹学是做什么的?做最优化的,学生将来想做投资组合portfolio的优化,这个小智在上文中已有交代。那么这段中小智就给她用了portfolio这个词,但是表达的是学校名单这个“portfolio”,表达的是选校组合。这样做的妙处在于,用专业领域内的专有名词,表达领域之外的概念,是一种专业素养较高,能够融会贯通,且专业意识较强的表现。这里小智用了这样的一个小trick。第二点呢,小智这里很直白的说我想去哥大就是因为你们学校是投行的target school,而我毕业后就是想去投行,表达的非常直白。包括其他文书中小智还给学生表达过自己很money-driven。不用担心,这种直接的态度,是投行很欣赏的,也是金融学术圈里早就默认的价值观。所以说,写好文书,如果对申请专业领域的一些“道道“比较熟悉的话,写出来人家会看得很亲切。第三点,更直接,如果你们录取我了,我就会withdraw所有其他学校的申请。怎么样,智友的文书就是这么与众不同。当然,这一切源于我们深谙教授的录取标准,而不是拿学生的前途在冒风险。
Example 9
CMU计算金融录取
The MSCF program in Carnegie Mellon has many advantages and can supplement my background in many aspects. First and foremost, in consideration of my pervious background is mainly in mathematics, and my programming skill is relatively weak compared with my strong mathematical modeling ability and relevant rich experience, my greatest aspiration from attending the MSCF program is to get my programming ability enhanced. While, of course I have the basis of learning programming languages. I have a good knowledge of R programming in statistical methods, attaining p-values in hypothesis tests by Monte Carlo Simulations and Bootstraps under categorical data and numerical data; I’ve taken Java courses for two quarters and I am able to have rigorous computational logics and exercised my brain to learn other languages such as C++ and Python more easily and faster. Apart from programming, the machine learning training is also an important attraction to me. As the top computer science school in the whole world, I have reason to believe CMU’s machine learning course would be very fantastic and cool in teaching regularized regression, bias-variance tradeoffs, and model validation and assessment.
Secondly, as a recent graduate with very limited working experience in the financial circle, I clearly understand how significant work experience is for me to start my career in America after graduation from MSCF. Thus, the Deutsche Bank Trading Competition and the nearly 100% secured summer internship opportunity MSCF program offers seem to be invaluable for me to get a better sense of the full-time position of my desired direction, helping me hit the ground running upon graduation.
Lastly, the curriculum of MSCF program is well-organized and I wish to choose to focus on asset management in my final semester to further narrow my focus down before entering into workplace.
经典的why school段落。写为什么要申请对方学校,要把握这样几个要领。1.展示你对对方的program研究的很透彻。2.表达对方能提供的,恰恰是你最需要的。3.描述假设自己被录取,简单的study plan。这三点都做到,why school段落就算完美了。
Example 10
Duke管理学研究录取
上来就表达自己的观点:想成为一名优秀的经理人,需要四方面素质。每方面都占一个固定比例(直接用饼图直观的表现出来)。下文中小智就结合学生的实际经历谈他在这四个维度上,都得到了怎样的锻炼,以及具备了充分的基础。全文逻辑清晰、层次分明、有主有次,而这篇文章的行文本身所展现出来的素养,不正是一名优秀的职业经理人应该具备的quality吗?
港真,还有太多太多的优秀文书段落小智想要拍在这给你看,但是文章篇幅有限,大家想看更多精彩文书,欢迎随时到智友的学生自习室来,你边看小智边给你解读~
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